This is the story of my attempt to buy cocaine.
References and allusions include, but are not limited to: Icarus, John Travolta, the Genesee River, George Washington, King Arthur, Jesus Christ, Niagara Falls, New England, base jumping, Western Migration, The Bible, Andrew Jackson, Elvis Presley, Gorgeous George, The Jolly Green Giant, Herman Melville, Nathaniel Hawthorne, William Carlos Williams, Bob Newhart, Craigslist, My Little Pony, Barry White, Betsy Ross, Netherlanders, Jedediah Smith, Puritans, opium, Giant North American Mason Bees, Freemasons, blueberries, and platypus buttholes.
This story is about the birth of my son – the most joyful and terrifying day of my life so far. This story is also about the time I beat a rabbit to death with a shovel.
Want to support the show or just look goooooood? Visit my TeePublic store to get your gorgeous Irrationally Exuberant t-shirts and sweatshirts in all sizes, as well as totes and various and sundry other necessary items. Choose from two breathtaking designs! A portion of all sales goes to the show.
References and allusions include, but are not limited to: Taco John’s, flutes, Oakley brand sunglasses, the Minnesota Vikings, John C. Lilly, coon skin caps, Timothy Leary, Allen Ginsburg, dolphins, Altered States, Paddy Chayefsky, William Hurt, Mexico, AIDS, Joe Rogan, Fargo, The Beatles’ “Rocky Raccoon”, Steve Erkel, Bowzer from Sha Na Na, Loggins and Messina’s “Danny’s Song”, mole rats, and Dr. Cliff Huxtable.
The story of the time I split a six-pack with a homeless guy behind a closed Hardee’s and something unexpected happened – even more unexpected than splitting a six-pack with a homeless guy behind a closed Hardee’s.
References and allusions include, but are not limited to: Eddie Vedder, cruel wizards, Ten, Fargo, AIWA stereo equipment, Candlebox, Dishwala, Better Than Ezra, The Refreshments, Eels, Bush, Goo Goo Dolls, “Heyfoxymophandlemama, That’s Me”, Pearl Jam, “Last Exit”, The Virgin Mary, Green Day, Tupac Shakur, Yield, “Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ’em” by MC Hammer, “Stay Sick!” by The Cramps, “The Earth, A Small Man, His Dog and a Chicken” by REO Speedwagon, Sammy Davis Jr., Jim Henson, Boris Yeltsin, Home Alone, MTV, VH1, Soft Rock, John Mellencamp, Gloria Estefan, Sade, “Pump” by Aerosmith, Bryan Adams, Longfellow Elementary School, “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana, “When She Cries” by Restless Heart, “Lightning Crashes” by Live, Soundgarden, Alice In Chains, Metallica, Guns ‘n Roses, The Melvins, Hit Parader, Circus, Scott Weiland, Don Dokken, Blackie Lawless, Rolling Stone, Spin, Grunge, Tad, Fig Dish, Vitalogy, Bono, Johnny Depp, Sean Penn, Sharpie, Saturday Night Live, Alanis Morrissette, Dr. Zhivago, Potato Days, Bob Dylan, Arthur Rimbaud, Kermit the Frog, Roy Orbison, Neil Young, Dead Boys, Split Enz, Van Halen, The Ramones, Otis Redding, The Byrds, The Beatles, The Who, Daniel Johnston, Arthur Alexander, Tom Petty, Lucinda Williams, Green River, Mother Love Bone, Brad, Hovercraft, Bob Marley, No Code, Mike Watt, Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan, “Ishmael” by Daniel Quinn, Ben Harper, Frank Black, The Pixies, Binaural, Belle and Sebastian, Riot Act, Fleetwood Mac, The Harlem Globetrotters, No Doubt, WWF Wrestling, The Shrine Circus, Weezer, Bright Eyes, Charles Bukowski, Russel Crow, the Chicago Cubs, The Wizard of Oz, Stone Gossard, Mike McCready, Jeff Ament, Matt Cameron, The Fargodome, and crossing the road like butterflies.
A new feature on The Irrationally Exuberant – Guaranteed 96% true short stories from the life of yours truly. This second edition is a story is about a former co-worker, Brian, who kind of looked like a shaved bear. This story is out of control sad.
References and allusions include but are not limited to: Body shame, Basketball, Canada, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Dr. James Naismith, the YMCA, Esperanto, Television, hula-hoops, the Internet, Scarlett Rubella, Tuberculosis, Jim Croce, Chicago, kangaroo boxing, The Harlem Globetrotters, New York City, Louis “Red” Klotz, The Philadelphia Sphas, Ken Doll, Judaism, Philadelphia, Rucker Park, South Dakota, Dynarex Cleansing Disposable Enemas, Karkov Vodka, Ralph Nader, Sisyphus, the gender spectrum, Sports Illustrated, Jack Kerouac, Neal Cassady, The Chelsea Hotel, The Borscht Belt, Shecky Greene, Soupy Sales, crows, Mother Russia, the Mayflower, psilocyben, Williston, North Dakota, Arby’s, Whapeton, World War II, Betty Boop, The Diary of Anne Frank, The Greatest Generation, Franklin D. Roosevelt, the 1960s, Baby Boomers, Richard Nixon, Three Dog Night’s “Joy to the World”, The Osmonds, The Manson Family, Stanley Kubrik’s “A Clockwork Orange”, Jim Morrison, D.B. Cooper, Sean Astin, Brian Dunkleman, Ryan Seacrest, Meadowlark Lemon, Yiddish, Tootsie Pops, Super 8 Motel, Kool and the Gang’s “Live at the Sex Machine”, and black licorice jelly beans.
This is a poem about Donald Trump.
A new feature on The Irrationally Exuberant – Guaranteed 96% true short stories from the life of yours truly. This first edition is a story about a time maybe ten years ago when I should have known I had a problem. This is the story of the time I found myself in front of the Fryin’ Pan at three in the morning, drunk, wearing a bloodstained suit and a backpack full of potatoes. This is the story of the time a grizzled old hobo asked me if I was okay.
References and allusions include, but are not limited to: The Hale Bopp Comet, Bonnie Lou Nettles, God, Marshall Applewhite, Jesus Christ, Nikes, California, Eddie Vedder, Christianity, UFOs, Revelations 11, “The Denial of Death” by Ernest Becker, suicide, Tupperware, vegetarian chili, healing crystals, Oregon, Walter Cronkite, cancer, Luciferians, David Koresh, The Starship Enterprise, Mexico, Sodom, Egypt, Bill Engvall, Fargo, Feminism, Breathe-Rite Strips, and bedazzling.
References and allusions include, but are not limited to: Valentine’s Day, The Ronald McDonald House, McDonald’s, Ronald McDonald, “Summer of Roses” by Willie Nelson, David Lynch, Egg McMuffin, Zune, Beijing, “Rock N Roll McDonalds” by Wesley Willis, Scotland, Robert the Bruce, Druids, the warlord Gillebride, Angus Og McDonald, The Knights Templar, Pope Clement V, the King of France, Satan, Pagans, The Illuminati, the New World Order, The Pantheon, The Luxor Temple, Freemasons, Ray Kroc, Mike Douglas, Baphomet, Cliven Bundy, chemtrails, Sarah Palin, AIDS, Space Pens, Willy Wonka, grimoires, magik, Willard Scott, Henry Kissinger, Heinz, Fruit of the Loom, Slinky, ouroboros, the All Seeing Eye, Liberals, Grimace, Hollywood, Shamrock Shakes, Uncle O’Grimacey, Mayor McCheese, Officer Big Mac, The Hamburglar, antisemitism, Goebbels, John F. Kennedy, The Professor, Captain Crook, Fry Guys, Anne Coulter, Dr. Drew, George W. Bush, The Fisher’s Island Golf Club, Skull and Bones, harakiri, Big League Chew, Raybans, and a SHOCKING TWIST!
References and allusions include, but are not limited to: Swing, hobos, Jim Crow, Herbert Hoover, The Great Depression, Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman, Rose of Sharon, Prince, Okies, scurvy, Washington, California, Gold Hill, Oregon, The Vortex, Zune, tuberculosis, Sherlock Holmes, John Litster, Scotland, Pubetron Fergleven, San Quentin Penitentiary, Barstow, Emil Jannings, Tillamook Indians, Clarence Birdseye, Forteans, Edward Fort, Gravity Houses, Peter Venkman, Draculas, H.L. Menkin, Theodore Dryser, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Booth Tarkington, ectoplasm, the scientific method, cocaine, opium, syphilis, steampunk, the Victorian Era, Hoot Gibson, Bluto, Popeye, The Nobel Prize, Albert E. Page, Atlantis, plums, feta cheese, Post-grunge, Bird Flu, Duncan Sheik, mini vans, John Popper, Dharma and Greg, Ross Perot, Pearl Jam, The Wisconsin Dells, The Wonder Spot, Soul Asylum, Mt. Rushmore, geodes, Hutterites, Saver’s, Subway, Michael Jordan, Superman, and Chocolate Twizzlers.
References and allusions include, but are not limited to: Christmas, 9/11, George W. Bush, Chemtrails, Noam Chomsky, Jesus, Catalonia, Klaus Nomi, The Bible, King Herod, the Census of Quirinius, Christianity, The Virgin Mary, Jerry Lee Lewis, John the Baptist, Nazareth (town), Nazareth (band), Neptune, Lutheranism, A Charlie Brown Christmas, Blockbuster Video, Radio Shack, Bennigan’s, Where’s Waldo?, Martin Hanford, David Beckham, Barack Obama, G.G. Allin, Etsy, Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You”, WHAM!’s “Last Christmas”, Simon and Garfunkle, “Joy To the World”, Home Alone, Home Alone 2: Lost In New York, Charles Dickens, Chevy Chase, Bing Crosby, David Bowie, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Die Hard, Frosty the Snowman, “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer”, Jingle All the Way, Tim Allen, Tastee Freeze, Fred Clause, Hungry Man Frozen Dinners, Britney Spears, “Chocolate Rain”, Canadian Mist, Schnapps, and Eddie Money.
References and allusions include, but are not limited to: The Old West, The Bible, Soren Kierkegaard, apples, Maine, New Hampshire, Manifest Destiny, Dracula, Disney, Massachusetts, Ohio, Emmanuel Swedenborg, Jesus, Yeti, Indiana, dysentery, Harper’s Weekly, Merry Melodies, Paul Bunyan, Pecos Bill, A-No. 1, Walt Whitman, Jack Kerouac, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Andrew Jackson, UPS Stores, Great Clips, Anytime Fitness, Blockbuster Video, Bigfoot, Transgender rights, cave paintings, the Apaloosa Tribe, and “Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough” by Patty Smyth and Don Henley.
References and allusions include, but are not limited to: The Beverly Hillbillies, ornithology, The Crow, the Ojibwa, minstrelsy, “His Eye Is On the Sparrow”, Juggs magazine, Central Park, ninjas, Reptilians, Father Time, Confucius, Stonehenge, ghosts, Homer (poet), the Trojan War, Aesop, John the Baptist, Ted Kaczynski, Christianity, Islam, B’hai, Mandaeism, Hollywood, Merlin (wizard), King Arthur, Vlad Dracula, Bram Stroker, Grigori Rasputin, Prince Felix Yussopov, St. Brendan, Psalms, Aztecs, racism, Tuna Helper, the National Football League, 7-eleven, El Caminos, drones, chemtrails, The MTV Music Video Awards, The Black Crows, The Counting Crows, H. Ross Perot, Mt. Rushmore, Y2K, the Millennium Bug, Britney Spears, Facebook, Google Earth, Vladimir Putin, Mormons, Social Security, Medicare, John F. Kennedy, Detroit, artisanal moccasins, the United Nations, Alec Baldwin, and The Garden of Eden.
References and allusions include, but are not limited to: Bono, Elvis Presley, Frank Sinatra, Paul McCartney, Steve Erkel, Screech, Jim Morrison, Patrick Ewing, Buzz Aldrin, Verne Troyer, Chris Gaines, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Bilbo Baggins, Tom Hanks, Rita Wilson, Scottie Pippen, Oprah Winfrey, Janet Reno, Emeril Lagasse, Steven Spielberg, coyotes, Garth Brooks, Saturday Night Live, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Clark Kent, Tony Clifton, Mrs. Doubtfire, Sasha Fierce, Lady Bugs Bunny, Stephan Erkel, Big Mama, Hannah Montana, Richard Bachman, Larry “Grandmama” Johnson, Larry the Cable Guy, Barak Obama, the New York Mets, the San Diego Padres, Kent Hrbek, the Philadelphia Phillies, the Kansas City Royals, VH1, Behind the Music, NBC, YouTube, the Billboard Top 200 Album Chart, Trisha Yearwood, Don Was, Kenneth “Babyface” Edmonds, Matchbox 20, Eagle Eye Cherry, Tom Robbins, Bryan Adams, Richard Marx, Don Henley, Toad the Wet Sprocket, Lite Rock 105, Ryan Adams, Stevie Wonder, Fleetwood Mac, The Beatles, “We Didn’t Start the Fire” by Billy Joel, “Get Together” by The Youngbloods, Kenny Chesney, Pornograffitti by Extreme, Chris Angel, Pubetron Fergleven, Kentucky, Donald T***p, the KFC Yum! Center, AC/DC, Prince, “Friends In Low Places” by Garth Brooks, Rolling Stone, The Rolling Stones, Kanye West, Green Day, Michael Bolton, Western style shirts, Halloween, bolo ties, Randy Travis, cocaine, and Scrooge McDuck.