Parent: Listen up boys and girls! Can I have your attention, please? Gertrude, honey, can you lay off your birthday tapas for a second and come here? Alright. Unfortunately, the Existential Magician we had booked for the party came down with a case of the Mondays, but he was nice enough to send a replacement who’s going to sing us some songs. Doesn’t that sound fun?
Children: (quiet)
Parent: Well. (clears throat) Um, lets have a big hand for, um, I’m sorry, what was your name sir?
Roger: Roger. Roger Toledo. I sing kids songs.
Parent: Right. Let’s hear it for Roger Toledo. The one man band!
Platypus don’t need your platitude
He’s gonna
Swim around and eat bugs and shit
If it’s all the same to you
He’s got
Lots of fur
no teeth
Poison spur on the back of his feet
so the
Platypus don’t need your platitude
He’s gonna
Forcibly penetrate a mate
If it’s all the same to you.
He’s got
Fatty tail
Electric beak
Platypus is a fucking freak
But the
Platypus don’t need your platitudes.
Platypus comin’ out of the water
Gonna have
A son or a daughter
But it don’t come out a pussy or pouch
Platypus gonna shit an egg out
And the
Platypus don’t need your platitudes
Sing it with me!
Platypus don’t need your platitudes
One more time!
Platypus don’t need your fu-cking platituuuuuuuuuuuuuuudes.
(Children cheer)
Roger: Thank you and goodnight.
Narrator: The song was a hit, and Roger Toledo went on to become the most successful children’s entertainer in the history of time, earning 8 platinum records, 14 Grammies, 32 Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice awards, a Presidential Medal of Honor, and hundreds upon thousands of millions of dollars before being gunned down by police outside of a record store after a Crystal Methamphetamine fueled robbery that would have netted him a total of $12 and a Captain Beefheart album.