Welcome to Para Palaver – the only podcast that isn’t afraid to tell you the truth because I don’t have anything left to lose. I’m your host, Darvin Schlender, and I guarantee that this is the most revealing unadulterated paranormal podcast out there. Unlike some other podcast and radio hosts, I’m not afraid of the government or the Illuminati or the Greys or even the Reptilians because nothing that they could do to me could ever make my life worse than it is now. I would welcome the sweet touch of death, if I’m being perfectly honest, but I’m too cowardly to do it myself. I’m fat, balding, smelly, a little drunk, I lost my job, and my wife took the kids and moved in with Salvatore, my shift manager at Arby’s, oh, I don’t know, 187 days ago.
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Tree psychic and my Brother-In-Law, Bramlett Kendripple will be calling into the show later. But first – the news.
Well, folks, the Reptilians are at it again. One of their scaly minions, my wife Sheila’s new boyfriend Salvatore Cullata, cut my hours at Arby’s down to 20 a week. Looks like I’ll be living off of stolen curly fries and Horsey sauce for the foreseeable future. Let me tell you something about that Lizard bastard – and this is just so typical of Reptilians – everybody treats them like they’re so great just because they don’t have an ever-growing, irregularly shaped bald spot and a sweating problem, but that’s the dead give away. People have bald spots. People sweat. People gain enormous amounts of weight in very short periods. Real flesh and blood people like you and me. We’d all have flat stomachs and long curly black hair and pencil moustaches and be 23 years old if we could just shape-shift into whatever form we pleased. And it’s just so obvious that he’s a Reptilian, it makes me sick, but Sheila just won’t listen. How else would you explain the fact that he’s only been in this country for 8 months and is already a god damned shift manager? Strings have been pulled and I’m talking about from all the way up the chain of command, folks.
Thinking of him bringing back a bag of Jr. Bacon Cheddar Melts to my blissfully naïve, smiling children just makes my skin crawl.
Oh, god, I just wants my family back! Sheeeeeeilaaaaa!
Sorry. In further news, Reptilians egged my car again and the Illuminati stooges at the bank keep charging me overage fees.
I’m being told that our guest is on the line, so let’s go to a commercial and we’ll be back with my brother in law, Bramlett Kendripple.
And we’re back. We’ve got our guest on the line. He’s a tree psychic as well as the brother of my lying, cheating wife. Bramlett Kendripple, welcome to Para Palaver.
BK: Now, Darvin, we agreed not to talk about Sheila. I’m happy to be on your little show, but if you continue to say things like that about my sister I’m just going to hang up this phone faster than you can say Great Basin Bristlecone Pine. Is that going to be a problem, Darvin?
DS: No. No it’s not. My apologies. Why don’t you tell us a little bit about what you do.
BK: Darvin, I’d be happy to. First and foremost, I am, as you said, a tree psychic. Now – tree psychic, what does that mean exactly?
Well, it means that for as long as I can remember I’ve been blessed by the good Mother Earth with the ability to communicate with what I like to call “the wise old dinosaurs of the plant kingdom.” And by that I mean trees. Why do I call them dinosaurs? Well, ‘cause they’re so big, silly, and they’ve been around for so long. Longer than real dinosaurs, even. Did you know that the first tree ever sprung up from _? Well, it did.
I can speak with all kinds of trees: Black Ash, Shagbark Hickory, Pignut Hickory, Bitternut Hickory, White Ash, Hornbeam, Cucumber, Beech, Slippery Elm, American Larch, Sycamore, Christmas, Wonderboom, Big Banyan, ah, Strangler Fig, Florencecourt Yew, all kinds of Oak, Mulberry, Limber Pine, Sitka Spruce, Eucalyptus – the list goes on and on. The only kind of trees that won’t talk to me are Cherry Trees. I know they can, but their just stubborn. It’s like they got chip on their shoulder or something, probably because everybody’s always pickin’ their cherries. I’ll get to them someday, you just watch.
Now, what do I talk to trees about? All kind of things, really. From real important things like murders and kidnappings and the continued omnipresence of our Reptilian Overlords to sad stories about lightning bolts and lumberjacks and bugs and my love life to fun stuff like jokes and recipes and what not.
Now –
DS: Do they have anything to say about Sheila and that greasy roast beef Nazi she’s got raising my children?
BK: Darvin! What did I tell you not two minutes ago? Have you been drinking, Darvin? I saw you at the K-Mart yesterday and you looked worse than a Sugar Pine with Commandra Blister Rust! I’m worried about you!
DS: I’m fine. Yes, I am drunk. Let’s get this over with. What do the trees have to say about Reptilians?
BK: I’m going to answer that question because it’s so important, but I don’t like this one bit, Darvin.
What do the trees have to say about Reptilians? Well, I was chatting with a lovely Golden Maple in a patch of trees at the Dagoberto Llamas Memorial Baseball Field Complex – you know, the one just East of the Hobby Hut? So, I was chatting away with Petula Willfinger, that‘s the tree’s name, Petula Willfinger, about how sick it is that Americans hold that monster Paul Bunyan and his disgusting blue ox in such high regard on account of he was basically a genocidal maniac bent on the destruction of all trees West of the Mississippi and Petula says to me, she says, “Did you know that Paul Bunyan was one of them Lizard People that rules the planet earth from behind a veil of secrecy and subsists primarily on human flesh and blood?” And I, of course, I was shocked, though I’d always had my suspicions that that was the case and I told her so, and she said, “It’s true. Why do you think he was so tall? He’s a space lizard, that’s why, and from what I hear, I’m not going to name names, mind you, but a little bird – a blue bird – told me that he’s still alive and living in the moon and was a kind of a secret weapon for the Reptilians and would come back one day to finish the job of enslaving us for good and making us build their pyramids or whatever.” Well, I was about to tell her how that made perfect sense to me and ask her what if anything we could do to stop him, when, wouldn’t you know it, out of the blue I was hit by a foul baseball and the next thing I knew I was in an ambulance trying to tell the paramedics about what I had just heard and they were telling me to be quiet. (Deep breathe)
Anyway –
DS: That’s – that’s enough. God, my head is pounding. We need to wrap this up. Thank you for being on the show, Bramlett, and tell your sister that she ruined my life and I want my kids back and I hope her boyfriend dies in a grease fire.
BK: Darvin!
DS: Thanks for listening to Para Palaver. Join us next week – or don’t, what do I care – when I’ll be talking to Gertrude Aftergut, a 72 time alien abductee and my whore wife’s hairdresser.