In the beginning were only Steve the Infinite Tortoise and Karen the Infinite Chinchilla, and they were one, and they were everything, but they were only friends – Karen’s choice, not Steve’s.
But ye, after countless eons, Karen relented to Steve’s passive aggressive moping, and the Universe was born of his violent shudder. And the Universe was infinite, and Steve the Infinite Tortoise was infinite, and Karen the Infinite Chinchilla was infinite, and they were one. And in the infinite area between the second and third toes on Steve’s front left foot was the Milky Way, and inside of it, Earth. And Earth’s surface was a fiery ocean, teeming with goo. And the goo did roil for many eons. And lo the goo, tired of roiling, began to fornicate – a real free for all – and the goo begat the fish as the fiery oceans ebbed of their own volition, and land emerged. And some of the fish were curious about the land, and grew legs and feet and crawled upon it. And the largest of the pedal fish, whose name was Becky, spoke unto her brother, Dutch: “If only we were bigger, we could further satisfy our curiosity.” And so, each unto himself, they all wished really hard and became huge, and they were dinosaurs. But some were slothful in their wishing and didn’t grow so much. And lo, the winter came and it was cold, and the small, slothful wishers grew fur to protect themselves from the snow, and they were mammals. And there were birds, somehow, and among the birds, ducks. All of the creatures lived happily upon the Earth and did multiply and change through dalliances and wishes. All around them – all around everything – Steve the Infinite Tortoise and Karen the Infinite Chinchilla lived too. They were unhappy. Karen, after much contemplation, made up her mind that their relationship was a mistake. And many tears did fall from Steve’s infinite eyes, and they rained down over the universe and hardened in the cold of endlessness and crashed down upon the planets and the stars. And one of the tears made its way to Earth and crashed upon the surface, and from its iciness a wave of energy spread across the land. Multitudes were destroyed – the larger animals, unable to find cover, really got it good – and still more were changed by the wave. All lost the power to wish themselves different and henceforth were slaves to the march of time. A great distance from the impact, a tribe of beaver-like mammals was engaged in a friendly mixer with a tribe of ducks. And the wave did wash over them and the two became one, and the one was the platypus, and the platypus was confused. Now, the tear’s impact tore the land, which had been one, asunder, and formed the continents. And the platypus found itself on a small section of the land which came to be known as Australia. And the platypuses agreed that they were hard to look at, and each ventured into the wilderness. They grew noble in their solitude. It came to pass that a platypus was born to a mother with a pristine tail. And she named him Gene. And he was good. And word of Gene the Good Platypus spread throughout the land and the others congregated once more to hear what it was he spoke. And Gene said unto them, “Why hast thou come to me? Go back to minding your own business, for it is good. But be sure to schtupp each other every once in a while, lest our kind perish.” And they left him and did of which he spoke, as they do to this day. And Steve the Infinite Tortoise and Karen the Infinite Chinchilla did mind their own business as well, unknowing and indifferent.
And so they remain.
Amen.