Webster’s Dictionary defines Reptilian as – just a moment, let me find it (page turning) – hmmm. Webster’s Dictionary does not define Reptilian. Well, that’s curious. Could it be a mere oversight? Perhaps Noah Webster was a blood drinking, shape shifting, pederast from space and/or another dimension, intent on Earthly domination and the enslavement of the human race and omitted Reptilian from his word defining propaganda book to conceal his real identity and keep humanity in the dark about the true nature of the world we live in. It’s the only reasonable conclusion.
I know. I’ll look for other clues in this weighty tome. Bear with me. (pages turning, muttering words) Here it is – Humans: A slave race of lower beings that believe themselves to be free. Their blood is delicious and their children are quite fuckable.
Oh. My. God. (Bum ba buuuuuuum)
I suppose I’ll have to come up with a definition for Reptilian, since it turns out that quote on quote Noah Webster is not in fact interested in providing me with the meaning of English words, but harnessing us all with the yoke of the New World Order.
Live and learn.
Reptilians, also known as Lizard People, Reptoids, Reptiloids, Saurians, Draconians, or, depending on who you’re speaking with, Jews, are 7-12 foot tall lizard like humanoids and our covert overlords. They occupy every significant position of power, from your local police chief to Beyoncé to Barack Obama to Ban Ki-moon to, I don’t know, Donald Trump, probably. I can’t give you a complete list because Reptilians, on this planet and in this dimension, anyway, tend to take on the human form. They might live in the moon or the center of the Earth or both. They might travel interdimensionally. We definitely know that they are either the living descendants of dinosaurs who took shelter underground during the extinction event that killed off the rest of their kind and evolved over hundreds of millions of years or extra terrestrials from the Alpha Draconnais star system or interdimentional travelers some combination of all three. They have ruled the planet from the beginning of civilization and their bloodlines can be tracked back to the ancient Sumerians. Their motives are a bit hazy, but mostly seem to revolve around creating a single world government. What they intend to do once this is in place remains a mystery, but I would bet dollars to donuts that it involves devouring our flesh.
In short, Reptilians are our masters, whether we know it or not, and someday soon, barring a large-scale revolution or the invention of some sort of Reptilian killing spray, we will all bow before them in a much more literal sense.
That’s the theory, anyway, and an estimated 4% of Americans believe it to be true. 12,803,600 people. In the United States. Eligible voters, mind you.
The most well known proponent of the Reptilian theory is David Icke, a charming and disarmingly cogent British gentleman, perhaps the only man alive able to pull off a moderately dignified mullet. It’s impossible, really, to have a conversation about Reptilians without having a conversation about Icke. He gained fame in England as a professional futballer and, later, a sports commentator. In 1991 he had a vision after an instructive meeting with a psychic and held a press conference with his wife and the psychic, who were now all living together and only wearing turquois, to tell the world that he was “ a Son of the Godhead” and that massive earthquakes would rock the nation within the year and the world would end in 1997. Then he went on the popular British chat show, Wogan, dressed in an appalling turquois windbreaker, and repeated the claims. He was basically laughed off the stage.
But here’s the thing about David Icke. When you watch the video, he comes across as the good guy. The audience and host seem cruel and maybe even closed-minded. Time and again since that moment he has convincingly presented himself as the level headed underdog, even when what he’s saying is that the President of the United States is a pedophilic space monster.
It’s quite a gift.
Icke went away for a while after the incident on Wogan, to spend time with his family and await the earthquakes, which never came, of course. He had broken the cardinal rule of prophecy – never give a definite date. Would be seers throughout history have found themselves laughingstocks when the date they said the world would end or whatever came and went without incident. I, for example, once predicted that Dippin’ Dots, the purported “Ice Cream of the Future”, would render all other iced creams obsolete by March 11th, 2002, and was humiliated when that date came and went and Ben and Jerry’s was still very much a thing. I’ve never forgiven Ben or Jerry for that, but it was my fault, really, and it’s time I reckon with that.
Anyway, Icke learned his lesson.
When he came back, he had a new theory – one without an end date. It centered on a popular idea amongst conspiracy theorists – The New World Order, the true rulers of the planet who are constantly scheming to unite the Earth under their exclusive control, to debatable ends. These leaders are historically believed to be members of such groups as The Illuminati, the Freemasons (who are closely related to the Illuminati), the Bilderberg Group, Skull and Bones, the Council on Foreign Relations, and, in some of the darker corners of this thing, that old go to chestnut for lazy hate and fear mongers, the Jews. The list goes on and on really, and is hotly debated. What do all of these groups have in common? You guessed it – wealthy white men with a lust for power.
I want to pause here for a moment to offer my position on all of this. Look – it’s fun to buy into these conspiracy theories. Especially when they’re as far out as Reptilians. The world of conspiracies is filled with intrigue and colorful characters and it appeals to both the need to believe in something bigger than oneself and to rage against the machine, as it were. I’ve no doubt that some of these groups are sketchy and have malicious intents, but I also believe that human beings are inherent fuck-ups and incapable of discretion on the epic scale that a world wide conspiracy would require. Do wealthy white men run the world? Of course they do, for now. But the simplest explanation is almost always the correct one, and the march of history offers a perfectly plausible explanation of why this is so. It’s mostly the result of chance, the abuse of power, and the exploitation of others, but, to me anyway, the “some people are just assholes” theory makes a lot more sense than an “evil cabal”.
The lizard thing – which we’re getting to, I promise – is, I think, a way to rationalize all of this and separate ourselves from this pack of wan, wrinkly, old dicks by making them an extreme other. Literally aliens. If they aren’t human, it all makes perfect sense, and exonerates us from our own more minor misdeeds and sense of entitlement and the suspicion that if given the chance we’d act the same way. It’s also a satisfying if implausible explanation for the feeling that there has to be something more to life than just walking around, eating vegetarian chili, earning a paycheck, and collecting grocery store Mexican Catholic Candles. Problem is, that feeling is probably wrong. Or maybe it’s not. Maybe there is some insane undercurrent. Maybe there is a higher meaning. Maybe we are just the pawns in the Reptilian’s game. What do I know?
Back to the narrative.
The Lizard People. They make their first appearance in Icke’s 1999 book The Biggest Secret, but the idea is not a new one. The seeds of the Reptilian conspiracy theory as we know it today appeared in a Robert E. Howard short story for Weird Tales in 1929 and as purportedly non-fiction pamphlets that Maurice Doreal published in the 1940s. The plot of V – a 80s TV miniseries that was remade in 2009 – is pretty much the Reptilian theory in its entirety. It all brings to mind Scientology, a “religion” that began its life as science fiction and was willed into existence as an accepted reality – albeit a fringe one – by a single charismatic spokesman.
But it goes back further than that. Much further. The antiquity of the thing is one of its main selling points. Like an “ancient Chinese remedy”, it’s old, so it must be true.
Take The Bible, for instance. That old serpent that tempted Eve with the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge? A Reptilian. Most every ancient culture had a similar story of some god-like interloper coming to earth to provide knowledge to and interbreed with humans. Reptilians, all of them. Never mind the fact that this is all allegory and myth.
Again, I should add “probably” to the end of that sentence. This is all allegory and myth, probably.
So, how did we get to the point where 4% of Americans believe a moderately interesting science fiction plot to be reality? David Icke gave it the old hard sell. He’s written book after book, laying out the idea in incredible detail, which I won’t get into here – read the books, if you’re curious – they are fabulous, and touring relentlessly to promote them, talking to everyone that will listen, giving lectures that sometimes last for 9 hours to paying and non-paying crowds – which now reach into the thousands in some places and granting interviews to everyone from national television shows to the most rinky-dink podcasts imaginable. I could probably get him on this one. He’s positioned himself as a man of the people, willing to hear any idea, no matter how seemingly crazy and baseless. That’s inherently appealing. If you’ve ever spent any time with the radio program Coast to Coast with George Noory, you are well aware that Americans are convinced of a lot of crazy shit and don’t really understand that when you are drifting off to sleep and suddenly see an alien at the end of your bed you’re probably just dreaming. That’s how dreams work, for fuck’s sake. It must be a great comfort to these people to find a man whose ideas are so far out there that he can’t possibly stand in judgment of them.
And when you read the books and listen to David Icke speak, he is extraordinarily convincing. He has a real knack for connecting dots, even when those dots are seemingly miles or even light years apart. The guy could get from a snowman to Kevin Bacon in four moves. If you go into his theories wanting to believe, he gives you every means of doing so.
And he’s seemingly been proven correct a few times. The portion of the Reptilian Theory dealing with high-level pedophile rings? True, kind of. Just this year it was revealed that in England in the early 80s, under Margaret Thatcher’s watch, a VIP group including judges, politicians, intelligence officers, and staff at the royal palaces perpetrated ritualized child sexual abuse, including parties with very young boys that were well known amongst the political elite but aggressively covered up. Were these officials literal monsters or just figurative ones? Probably the latter, but Icke was talking about these goings on over a decade before they gained traction in the wider world.
I said he was right a few times, didn’t I? Let me think of another one. Oh, right. It’s not exactly a prediction, but he was certainly ahead of his time in regards to turquois tracksuits. Sure they’re not popular at the moment, but I’m going to ignore my own advise and say that they will be within the decade.
All right. I got sidetracked with David Icke again. That’s easy to do when discussing Reptilians, but let’s get back to actually discussing the creatures at hand. How would one spot a Lizard Person? The most common giveaway is their eyes. Reptilians don’t have round pupils like you and I, see. Their pupils are vertical slits. There is an absolute treasure trove of revealing eye pictures and videos available on the Internet, if you can consider blurry pictures and VCR recordings of politicians and famous people a treasure, not to mention a trove. I’m not sure what “trove” means, actually, and I can’t look it up because I’m boycotting the dictionary until Noah Webster reveals his true self. Anyway, Dick Cheney in particular seems to have very slitty pupils.
The second most popular method for spotting a Reptilian is to catch them shape shifting – typically by mistaking various interruptions in cable signals as shape shifting. Again, go to the Internet. Type in Reptilian Shape Shifter, and you’ll find yet another treasure trove, this time of various people whose faces become momentarily blurry or pixilated. There’s no real rhyme or reason to who it can be – newscasters, political talking heads, Vanna White, David Schwimmer, anyone on television. Any change in the quality of the picture is evidence of a Reptilian. Apparently, all that scrambled porn folks of my generation watched in their formative years was exclusively Reptilian.
Clearly the Reptilian community is at a loss for proof or really any real-world indication whatsoever that what they believe is true – even a little but true. Icke seems to be the only one with a consistent worldview, and he is obviously making it up as he goes along. Listen to any of the countless poorly recorded or even well recorded paranormal podcast or radio shows out there and you’ll get very little agreement as to what the basic facts of the conspiracy are. What you will get is a happy afternoon listening to freaky-deaks and liars arguing about the color of a Reptilians eyes, passionately espousing the use of magic to fight them, or snidely dismissing an ignorant host that doesn’t know the difference between a demon possession and a Reptilian Shapeshifter. It’s great.
So, that’s all. The Reptilians aren’t real and you should just go about your life without a care in the world. Can I talk to you over here for a second? You look really nice today and I thought we could maybe kiss passionately or something totally human and normal.
Listen – there’s no time for passionate kisses. You do look nice, but I just needed to get you alone to tell you that everything you just heard is a lie. The Reptilians are real. I repeat – the Reptilians are real. They live in the moon and they drink human blood and they molest children and they walk among us. I only said those things because they’re watching me and I don’t want them to suck the velvety red life from my veins or feast on my delicious flesh. I know this sounds crazy, but it’s true. You’ve got to believe me. Part two is going to seem like a parody, but it’s not. It’s the truth. Sit tight, enjoy this song, and we’ll get to the facts in just a moment.