The platypus, as we’ve established, is certainly an odd creature, but it is by no means the only odd creature in Australia, or even the oddest. Let’s take a look at some of the other critters that share this bizarre continent.
The flying fox, or pteropus, looks like a Dracula’s nightmare, but is actually quite gentle. It is not, as the name would suggest, a fox, but a bat. Specifically, a subspecies of the suborder of megabat – a suborder which, if there were a god, certainly wouldn’t exist. It has a huge fox body. And huge bat wings. And large, death-brown eyes. And a lizard tongue. It flies. And, oh fuck me I just looked at a picture of one. They are truly terrifying. Their wingspans can grow to as wide as 5 feet and they stand, but mostly hang, three and a half feet tall, or down, however you want to look at it. They only eat fruit and nectar, but I wouldn’t risk it. Stay away from Australia.
Australian accents are like a drunk Texan feigning an English lilt and happily yelling at you about camping, insisting that you need to relax every time you ask him to lower his voice. It’s horrible. The similarly horrible Broadchested Orange Magoot has picked up that accent through years of contact with its garbage voiced countrymen. It is a kind of cross between a small bear and a parrot and it’s yowl, that’s the only real word for it, is heavily inflected by that sickeningly gregarious cockney twang. Australians are the worst.
Except for Naomi Watts. She’s an earth angel.
Discovered only last year, the Neon Doodlegoose is the brightest creature known to man. Visually, anyway. They look like feathered traffic cones under a black light, with a big, ugly, completely bald bird head jutting out from the hole in the top. By contrast, it’s extraordinarily dim in terms of intelligence. Monumentally stupid, really. They can fly, sort of, but have absolutely no sense of direction, and usually just pathetically flap about in small circles – when they’re not brainlessly diving directly into the ground like some kind of passionless, mush brained kamikaze pilot. They continue to exist only because they have been isolated for so long and will eat literally anything, gulping down papaya’s and kangaroo shit with equal, nauseating abandon. And they smell. Holy moses do they smell. Like someone vomited inside of a durian and heated it up in the microwave. Other animals won’t eat them because of the stink and, presumably, the deep sense of disgust and pity that the mere sight of one engenders. Also, their feathers are dusted with a poison that will irritate your skin to no end. Pretty much everything is poison in this god forsaken country. What a terrible animal.
Speaking of terrible animals, try this one on for size. It’s called the Giant Blood Moth. Can you even imagine? It’s awful. It has a wingspan of 8 inches – and it’s a moth, as if those things weren’t bad enough as it is. And its body is all furry and grey, like a moldy mummy. And – get this – it drinks blood. Blood! With its teeth. It has teeth! Like a fucking Dracula. A moldy mummy looking Dracula! The blood it drinks is mostly from cows, but still! It’s just flying around drinking blood. And these Australians seem like their always outdoors. You couldn’t get me within a thousand miles of this place. Like, what is your problem? We get it – you’re a very hearty and masculine people. But do you mean to tell me that you’re not at all skeeved out by a giant blood sucking moth? That’s not brave, that’s stupid. Bunch of god damned lunkheads over there.
Or how about this – you’re really going to love this one. It’s a kangaroo, right? No big deal. We’re all aware that they have kangaroos over there. They’re fun! They box! But here’s the thing – this kangaroo, the Ghost Kangaroo, they call it. This kangaroo is mean. Really mean. This kangaroo has four inch teeth – four inches – and red eyes and – are you ready? – 80% of them have rabies! Rabies! And they were mean to begin with! Give me a fucking break! On top of all of that nonsense, they are called Ghost Kangaroos because they are very quiet and can blend in with basically any surroundings. So, you’ve got a big, angry, foaming at the mouth, deadly, shark toothed marsupial that you’ll never see coming. What fun! When can I buy my plane ticket to this enchanting land where these diseased, jumping, glorified rats are just lurking around any given corner to give me rabies? I can’t get there soon enough!
And the water! Australia is surrounded by the stuff and it’s positively full of disgusting monsters. Like the Saltwater Bat. That’s right. Another fucking bat. In the water. It’s not really a bat, of course, but it looks a hell of a lot like one and it lives in the goddamn ocean in very shallow water, which these shit for brains Australians just splash around in like it’s a goddamn hotel swimming pool. I’m telling you, there’s something wrong these people. The Saltwater bat is very small – only an inch and a half in most cases – and its “fur” is really thousands of tiny sensors that can all move independently. I hesitate to even tell you this next part for fear that you might be eating, but, dozens of times each year people accidentally swallow these disgusting little things and – Oh, what do you know! – they’re poisonous, and can leave you completely paralyzed unless you get your stomach pumped within the hour. Surfs up!
Oh, let’s not forget the sharks. Australia has some real doozies, things that make Jaws look like Finding Fucking Nemo. I don’t even know where to start. How about the Megatooth Red Devil Shark. How’s that for a combination of words? If you need me to paint you a picture of how horrifying this thing is, you’re dumber than an Australian. And let me tell you, that’s reeeaaally fucking dumb. Like, we love Crocodile Dundee and Silverchair dumb. I mean, take any two, or even one of those words and it’s, like, get ready for the worst day of you life. Put them together and it just makes you want to set yourself on fire rather than live in a world where a thing like this exists. The fact that there hasn’t been some kind of concerted military effort to eradicate them all really tells you something about the Australian government. (Editor’s Note: Killing animals is wrong.)
Not afraid of sharks? That’s completely fucking illogical. But maybe something smaller can haunt your every waking moment. The Spikenosed River Worm, perhaps. I ain’t ascared o’ any worm I ever seent, you might be thinking. Well, this delightful creature is small enough to swim up your dickhole – and it does! Like, all the time. They love dickholes! Nothing pleases one of these little creeps more than swimming right up your urethra all the way up to your stomach so it can live there and lay millions upon millions of eggs which will all hatch and then the millions upon millions of worms inside your god-forsaken body will quickly turn your organs into goop! Do you understand what I’m telling you? They swim into your penis and eat your insides! I’m not saying there is a 100% chance that this will happen to you if you wade into an Australian river, but even if it were a .0000001% chance – and it’s significantly more than that, like a 4% – is that something you’d really want to risk just so you can tell your dumb friends that you went to Australia and post pictures of it to Instagram so people you barely know at all can think that your life isn’t a putrid garbage pile? Do you think any of those people will really come to your funeral after your insides are turned into worm shit? They won’t! How many times can I say this before you get it through your thick, bulbous skull: Stay away from Australia!
Let’s talk about monkeys. Cute right? Not on this Island of Dr. Moreau, they aren’t. The Blue Eyed Prowler Monkey has a pretty nice name, but trust me, if you see those deep cobalt peepers in the wild, it will already be too late. They are vicious. They only stand about a foot and a half high, but they travel in massive, murderous packs that can reach into the hundreds and they love nothing more than tearing unsuspecting tourists to shreds. And here’s the worst part – they will hold you down and rip off your ears, digits, and genitals first. A real bunch of sadists these things. And they’re smart enough to lay traps. One of these dastardly primates will dawn a hat – any kind of hat they can get there hands on – and pleasantly amble up to an unsuspecting victim who, disarmed by the presence of a hat wearing monkey will, invariably, reach out their hand for a good natured hand shake. Who wouldn’t, right? Once they are in the monkey’s vice grip, the rest of the beasts emerge from their hiding places and proceed with the torture. The really fucked up thing about these hairy creeps is that they are vegetarian. They don’t even eat these poor saps, whose only crime was to travel to the worst land expanse in all the world. They just rip them to bits, slowly and methodically and continue upon their merry way.
Is that enough for you? Have the Bono colored glasses finally been ripped from your eyes? Are you ready to join me in refocussing America’s ire from those poor Arabic people we’ve been hassling for the last couple of decades to this truly heinous continent and it’s disgusting inhabitant, both beastly and human? If you are – and god help you if you’re not – please go to www.SinkAustralia.org and sign my petition to end this nightmare once and for all.
If we don’t, I ask you – who will?