Gorgeous George was the most prominent and important figure in wrestling’s ascent into the American zeitgeist, largely due to his gimmick. But he wasn’t the first or, most assuredly the last, wrestler to adopt a unique persona for the ring. The history of wrestling is littered with characters. Some have been wildly successful -Hulk Hogan, Rowdy Roddy Piper, The Big Boss Man – who became household names and can illicit the most bittersweet of remembrances in vast armies of doughy diabetics, nerds, and toothless, bigoted human trash.
But others – for any number of reasons – have been all but lost to time – yellowing, bedoodled, unread appendices to the vast tome of human history. I’d like to take this opportunity to dust off a few of these inane curiosities – these brushed aside beefcakes, these dusty hulks – and re-expose them to the harsh glare of cultural recognition.
Music, lyrical
Roy Herman, The Stout Strangler
Roy Herman was a German immigrant that rose to fame on our shores in the late 19th century, mostly due to his stoutness. “Built like a whiskey jug”, he was but 3 inches taller than he was wide. Neither particularly burly or soft, he seemed to be made of hardwood, folks said, and could not be, was not ever, toppled. Rumor has it, he slept standing, as the strain of rising was too much a burden. His signature move was just a two handed, standard strangle that was often fatal. He died as he lived, strangled to death in 1907 by his own two hands, after first strangling our next grappler.
Penis length, 4 and one half inces. Penis diameter 7/8s of an inch.
“Hurtful” Lenny DeVorak
So named for his cutting and mean spirited wit. He talked such a mean game, his opponents would often just walk out of the ring, quitting the profession all together. As an example, the reported run of shit talk that got him and The Stout Strangler strangled to death: “Why, you’re more chair than man and with half the brains! Your mother was a chiffarobe, see? Your father an ape! A German ape! Imagine, ladies and gentlemen, a hairy Kraut mounting a chest of drawers! Nine months later, young master Roy comes into the world with his father’s looks and his mother’s brains! I’d soon as use you to store my pantaloons as to spar! Egad, man, I don’t know how you do it? Were I you, I’d quit this whole business and look for work as a tree stump!”
Penis length 6 and a quarter inches. Penis diameter, 1 and three fourths inches.
Muscled Dick Rockingham
Dick Rockingham had a lot of muscles for a white man in 1910. That is to say, he looked like a modern man of average build, maybe a little doughy, but who flexed a lot. He was primarily known for his catch-phrase, “I’m Muscled Dick Rockingham and I’m stronger than a very large bear!” He died in 1918 while trying to prove this claim.
Penis length 3 inches. Penis width 2 inches.
Herbert Heaver
Herbert Heaver was, obviously, a wrestling parody of President Herbert Hoover, and one of the first “character wrestlers”. There wasn’t much to the character other than the name and his signature move, The Herbert Heave-Ho.
Died in 1925 of complications during a routine eye exam.
Penis length 5 and a quarter inches. Penis Diameter three fourths of an inch.
Sad Cowboy Tony
Sad Cowboy Tony was a mystery man, a weathered, depressive relic of the old west, out of time and place in 1940s New York. No one could say who he was or where he’d come from, but he dressed in full cowboy regalia – boots, spurs, chaps, a huge belt buckle ensconced, strangely, with a depiction of the corpse of Harpo Marx, who was still very much alive, a leather vest, bolo tie, and ten gallon hat. He’d often weep as he pummeled his opponent and was never heard to speak.
Died in 1958 of a self-inflicted six shooter wound. Penis length 9 and one eight inches. Penis diameter two inches.
Chief Runjumpandpunch
The Chief was Sad Cowboy Tony’s nemesis and the first prominent racial caricature of the low art. He’d hoot and holler, run, jump, and punch, per his name, and his signature move was known as “The Scalper”. It was pretty gross. Think every racist Indian depiction still very much in use today.
Died in 1932 from testicular cancer. Very sad. Penis length: 7 1/8 Inches, diameter 1 inch on the nose.
The Bedraggler
Everyone likes to look nice and this is where The Bedraggler would get you – right in the Achilles Heal that is your innate vanity. He was filthy and somehow always very wet. He stunk to high heaven. All of these things were very transferable. Thirty seconds with The Bedraggler and you would be bedraggled yourself, begging for the match to end so you could hit the showers. He died in 1948, of injuries sustained from slipping in the shower, believe it or not.
Penis length five and three fourths inches. Penis diameter one and a quarter inches.
Count Irwin Manhandler
A beefy Aristocrat. Turns out, he was also a real Count, whatever that means. Never won a match, but his signature line lives on. It was this: “Boogaloooooo!”
Died in 1962 from POISON! (Bumbumbum!)
Penis length unknown. Penis diameter one and two thirds inch.
Senator Eddie “The Killer” Beaver
The Senator was never a real, sitting United States Senator, but he did make a run for the seat in Minnesota, narrowly losing to Hubert Humphrey. Dejected by the loss, he turned to booze and his life quickly spiraled out of control. He became a wrestler only after spending several years as a shiftless street person, begging for change to buy loosies from a gas station in Wyoming. He added “The Killer” to his name because of his love for disgraced rock innovator Jerry Lee Lewis and his signature move was the Beaver Stomp, which was just stomping on an opponent’s head. Otherwise, there was no gimmick, he was just an unhinged drunk with a pretty good head of hair that came out to Great Balls of Fire. He died in 1971 of, you guessed it, MURDER! (bumbumbum!)
Penis length 11 inches, diameter three and one eight inches.
The Clown That Smells Too Good
This was a far too abstract concept for a wrestler – nearly impossible to convey to fans. The idea was that this was a very scary clown, but he smelled really, really good, and that’s kind of an upsetting thing to think about. The character only lasted for a week before the wrestler tried a different concept, the much more successful character known as Hulk Hogan.
If you want to know Hulk Hogan’s penis length and diameter, you’re in luck – he has a truly upsetting and shockingly unsexy sex tape available on the internet! A man named Bubba The Love Sponge is involved and, somehow, that’s not the worst part!
Mr. Baby
Mr. Baby is a nickname I had for a guy that used to shop at a grocery store where I once worked. He wasn’t a wrestler, I don’t think, but Mr. Baby would be a great concept for a wrestler, right. This was a grown man who dressed as a baby, hence the name. He wore a light blue baby bonnet and a big, had a pacifier on a string around his neck, was obviously wearing a diaper, and had bells on his shoes, so you could always hear him coming. He pushed a cart with a teddy bear in the child’s seat. Incongruously, he also had a moustache. You’d think a man trying to be a baby would shave his facial hair, but he didn’t. He acted perfectly normal outside of his dress. I don’t know if he’s still alive or how big his penis was, but it’s a fun memory.