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Jim Krakowski’s House of Mass Produced Trippy Shit for Stoned Teenagers

Howdy do, fellow duuuuuuuude!
You on druuuugs?
I know I am.
Are you tired of staring at the same old lava lamps and black light posters and other junk from Spencer’s while you’re on druuuuuugs?

Do those things no longer seem toooooootally trippy?

Well, maaan, have I got just the thing for you!

Hi, I’m Jim Krakowski!

Crow language educator, globe smasher, erotic author, and now, panderer to drug users!

Ha-ha!

If you crave new mass produced fake intellectual fake art to gaze upon, dead eyed and slack jawed, while you listen to terrible music, you need – NEED! – to come on down to Jim Krakowski’s House of Mass Produced Trippy Shit for Stoned Teenagers!

We’ve got it all!

Black light posters featuring new stoner favorites, like cats and whatever!

Lava lamps, but with a slightly different shape!

Incense burners made of clay crudely sculpted into something resembling the hideous noggin of David Matthews or whoever is his modern day equivalent!

Beads and junk!

Clothes with labels that say they are made with locally, organically sourced hemp but are probably some type of burlap!

Glass bongs so huge and elaborate that only Seth Rogan or a successful drug dealer can afford them!

Legal drugs that might make you feel like you might maybe feel a little weird somehow! In candy form!

You name it, we’ve got it!

So, shake the Utz potato chips crumbs out of your terrible beard and come on down to Jim Krakowski’s House of Mass Produced Trippy Shit for Stoned Teenagers, located in that building that used to be an ice cream place and then was a really sketchy looking daycare for a while before becoming a really sketchy looking car dealership and then was vacant for a decade and is now my store!

Come on! Up you go! You can do it, you lazy post-zelleniall, depression ravaged internet borg! Pornhub will still be there when you get back! Thaaaaat’s right, off your parents couch and right on over to Jim Krakowski’s House of Mass Produced Trippy Shit for Stoned Teenagers!

See you in a bit!

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Madam Lechuga’s Celebrity Haunted Apartment

Apparitions. Ghosts. Spooks. Haints. Whatever you want to call them, you haven’t seen spirits like this before.
Hello. I’m world renowned palm reader and séance professional Madame Esperanza Lechuga, owner of Madame Lechuga’s Celebrity Haunted Apartment, and boy, have we got dead celebrities. My place is lousy with ‘em.
If you’ve ever wanted to meet a famous person or see a ghost, Madame Lechuga’s Celebrity Haunted Apartment is the place for you.
I’ve conducted thousands of celebrity séances at my one bedroom apartment in Queens and sometimes the damn spirits just won’t leave. So, I figure, if I have to live with these paranormal vermon, why not make a few bucks?
You’ll meet the ghost of John Belushi, who won’t stop bitching about his brother Jim and the continued existence of The Blues Brother, hear the disembodied voice of Bing Crosby proposition you in the bathroom, marvel as Sammy Davis Junior constantly flicks the lights on and off in the living room, and much, much more.
Did you ever want to get up close and personal with Norman Rockwell? Well, he just stands in the doorway looking sad – you’ll walk right through him on the way in. Love sports and hate minorities? You and the spooky, staticy face of Ty Cobb in my television set will have a lot to talk about. Is cooking your thing? The essence of Julia Child is perpetually wailing and throwing food around the kitchen.
I’ve also got a possessed toaster oven that will sear the face of Jim Varney into your bread and a microwave that doesn’t work too well, which may or may not be the doing of former President Warren G. Harding.
So, come, let my waking nightmare be your dream come true, at Madame Lechuga’s Celebrity Haunted Apartment, where celebrities are doomed to spend eternity, but you can just visit.

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Reptilians 3: Lizard Lovers

Ginormous Boobs!
Steamy sex!
Lust!
Love!
Unrealistically clean buttholes!
Vaginas!
Internal testes!
Long scaly wieners!

Hello! I’m Jim Krokowski, entrepreneur, spokesperson, and, now, self-published author!
Is it getting hot in here or is it just my books?
It’s my books!
Ladies and gentleman, heteros, gays, bis, subs, doms, chubby chasers, power bottoms, furries, bronies, and every other permutation of human sexuality, I’m proud to present to you my brand new series of Reptilian themed erotica – Lizard Lovers! Guaranteed to be the sexiest depictions of human on shape shifting humanoid adult situations you’ll ever read!
I’ve written literally dozens of these things, including such arousing titles as:
You Suck My Blood, I’ll Suck Your Lizard Dick
My Super Sexy Cheney/Rumsfeld Three-Way
RILFS
RILFS II
Shapeshifting Sex Party with Oprah Winfrey
Lady In the Streets, Blood Guzzling Lizard Person In the Sheets
Freddy Mercury’s Scaly Butt
Reptilian BangBus
And many, many more!
I’m getting excited just thinking about it!
Look for them at fine truck stops all over the Wyoming/Nebraska/South Dakota tri-state area! Available in large print, braille, and audiobook read by yours truly!
Pick one up today and let the sexy good times roll, or should I say, slither? Ha Ha!

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Jim Krokowski’s PLATYPUS EXPERIENCE!

Are you tired of brushing your teeth eeeeevery morning?
Sore from walking around on only two legs?
Sick of incubating your young inside of your body?
Had it up to here with having nipples?

If you said yes to any of these questions, then, boy, have I got an opportunity for you!

Hi! I’m Jim Krokowski. Teacher, inventor, spokesperson, erotic author, and, now, Lifestyle Camp director!

If you need a break from being human, why not come join me at Jim Krakowski’s Platypus Experience! The only camp for people of all ages who want to be a platypus for awhile!

At Jim Krokowski’s Platypus Experience we’ll give you everything you need to make all of your duckbilled dreams come true.
At our sprawling 2 acre campground on the outskirts of beautiful Detroit, Michigan, you’ll find all the accouterments that a platypus enjoys in its native habitat. Like a small, algae rich body of water, filled with bugs and shellfish, and surrounded by dense vegetation and nature’s other various detritus! And – well, that’s about it! You’ll basically be a platypus – what else could you need!
“But Jim. Won’t I just be sitting around like a giant human asshole?”
Absolutely not! We’ll make you feel like a real platypus with our state of the art platypus simulation outfits. They come equipped with a a hard plastic bill, fur suit, scuba fins for your hands and feet, and a big ol’ rubbery tail! If you’d like to be a male platypus, we’ll even strap a detailed replica of a platypuses spike on your back right foot and fill it with real live poison! And if you’d prefer to be a lady platypus, we’ll give you some eggs to bury in natures detritus!
It’ll be exactly like being a platypus!
But don’t take my word for it. Let’s here from some of my satisfied customers!

“I attended Jim Krokowski’s Platypus Experience and I guess it felt pretty much like being a platypus. I mean, I can’t really imagine anything else they could have done, besides letting us actually mate in the suits, which I guess they didn’t specifically say we couldn’t do, but it would have been cool if it would have been, I don’t know, encouraged.”

“Jim Krokowski’s Platypus experience was a living (DREAM!).”

There you have it! Jim Krokowski’s Platypus Experience is a hit!

Make your reservations today by calling 1-800-PUS-LOVR. That 1-800-P-U-S-L-O-V-R, or log on to www.puslover.com, to join me, Jim Krokowski, at Jim Krokowski’s Platypus experience – where dreams come true!